Haircuts days in stir
by gloryblastit
Summary: Slash. PonyboyJohnny. Sometimes fugitives find comfort.
1. Default Chapter

"Oh, no!" My hand flew to my hair. "No, Johnny, not my hair!"

I could tell by that look on his face that he meant to cut it. I sighed and gave up, I had to let him. He sawed on it for awhile with the same knife that he killed the soc with, the same knife!

Then he bleached it. I couldn't fucking believe it. Jesus Christ, Johnny, they'll still be able to tell that it's me.

Then he handed me the knife.

"Alright. Go ahead," he said, head down, penitent. I took the knife, surprised at how heavy it was, how powerful it was still.

"Okay," I whispered, and took a chunk of his black greasy hair between my fingers. I'd never touched his hair before and was surprised by how slick it was, I'd always just put a light layer of grease in mine. He really slathered it on.

I sawed at his hair, maybe cutting it shorter than he'd cut mine cause I was mad at him. Mad at him for cutting my hair, mad at him for causing all this trouble. Shit, Johnny, you don't get out of trouble like this.

After he washed his hair he leaned against the door, shivering in Dally's jacket.

"I guess, I guess we're disguised," he said through chattering teeth. I leaned back next to him.

"I guess so,"

I started to cry then, I didn't expect to but I couldn't seem to help it. Tears fell fast down my cheeks. Johnny saw me crying and looked miserable.

"I'm sorry I cut your hair off, Ponyboy." He stood up, paced a little, slapped at his pockets like he did when he was edgy. I noticed how he looked tough in Dally's jacket despite it being too big. I kept crying, there was nothing to say.

He came back over to me, kneeled in front of me. I wanted to stop crying with him this close cause it wasn't tough to cry and Johnny might think…well, anything at all.

He reached up and brushed at my tears with his fingertips and I felt a little shiver when he did that.

"Don't cry, Pony, we'll be okay. Don't cry…" Then he kissed me, he closed his eyes and brushed his lips against mine and I pulled away a little, startled. But he did it again and it felt nice, it felt warm, so I closed my eyes and kissed him back.

"It'll all be okay," he said, and his voice was thicker, like he'd ran a race or something and I could feel his heart beating, he was so close. In this place, this rotting church and sacred hills, I knew it was a lie. We were fucked. But he was so warm and so close, he was the only thing that made sense here.

I touched his hair, cold and wet but clean, and traced the scar, watched him shiver.

"It'll be okay," he kind of murmured and closed his eyes and kissed me again. I opened my mouth this time and felt his tongue, flicked it away with mine and was surprised at how strong he flicked it back.

He pushed me down onto the ground but almost gently, a soft pressure. He straddled me with his legs and I felt his weight on my stomach, looked up at him and noticed that he was older than me, and I liked how his eyes looked half closed.

I thought wildly of what my brothers would think…fag…but they weren't here and in the light blue sky that spread over that strange distance I understood that it didn't matter now.

We weren't playing by the same rules anymore.

"Johnny," It was almost a question and he trailed his fingers along my chest and up my arms, laced his fingers through mine, this way pinning me down.

"Shhh, I know," he said, and how had I never noticed how deep and scratchy his voice was?

He leaned over and kissed me again, more insistent, and I felt Dally's jacket hanging off him and covering me. I kind of thrust my pelvis up toward him, maybe to get him off me but he thrust back and I hadn't realized Johnny was actually strong, and 16 and not 14, and he rolled off me but still held me down and trailed his fingers to the belt loops on the jeans and tugged. Maybe I gasped, anyway I sucked in the cold mountain air.

He looked at me sideways, a look I'd seen before, and I watched him tug on the button to my jeans, just watched as my breathing kind of quickened and my heart pounded in my ears, blood just rushing…

"It'll all be okay," he said, kissing me while at the same time sliding his hand down my jeans, and the air was cold but his hand was warm. I sighed and felt his tongue slide against mine. I put my hand on the back of his neck.


	2. ch2

Shit, Johnny, I thought, I hadn't even kissed a girl yet. I couldn't believe my quiet, shy best friend would be the first one I'd kiss.

Not that I hadn't considered it before, all that time we'd spent alone together in the lot, and at my house when my brothers were both working. I'd wondered what it would be like to kiss him.

I opened my eyes. His were closed, his black eyelashes were so long they brushed against his cheeks.

His hand had snaked down and grabbed hold of my cock and he squeezed it slightly, then went in a steady up and down motion, and I started breathing faster.

"Johnny," I said, breathless. He grinned at me. I wondered if he'd done this before. Maybe he had. I'd never seen him show much interest in girls. Shoot, he was the same age as Soda, and Soda'd been fooling around with girls for a long time. He'd check 'em out when they walked by, whistle and maybe wink at 'em. Johnny never even seemed to notice them.

My head fell back as Johnny quickened the pace, and he kissed me again, a strong and slow kiss, his tongue exploring. I arched my back, liking the feel of his hand around me, his tongue in my mouth.

"Johnny, God…"

"Hey, Pony," he said, something playful in his voice, "did I ever tell you you're cute?"

Cute? I closed my eyes again, feeling the cold air all around us, feeling Johnny's weight on me, feeling the steady motion of his hand. I'd get close to going and he'd stop, break the rhythm, then start again. Yep, I thought, he's done this before.

"Oh shit Johnny oh God…" And I went, all over everything. He kissed me and I felt his hands in my hair.

"Like that?" he asked softly, looking at me with those eyes. The darkest eyes I'd ever seen.

"Yeah," I said, pulling up my pants, zipping them quick. I leaned back against the church and he laid down, his head in my lap. He crossed his legs at the ankles and I noticed how scuffed up and destroyed those black sneakers of his were.

I touched his hair again, black and wet and clean. I traced the scar on his cheek and he closed his eyes when I did that.

"Did it hurt, Johnny?" I said, my finger still lightly touching his cheek. He opened his eyes and looked at the cloudless sky. Since we found him in the lot that day none of us had ever spoken about it.

"I don't really remember it, Pony," he said, but I thought he might be lying.

"Oh," It was kinda nice, sitting here with him. I felt tired in a nice way from the orgasm. I wanted to make him have an orgasm, too.

"Johnny?"

"Yeah?" He sounded kind of sleepy, too.

"Did you ever do stuff like this before, stuff with boys?"

"Yeah," He said it calmly, kind of matter of fact. For some reason I felt this crazy excitement, thinking about him kissing other boys, or doing God knew what with them.

"What about girls?" I said, tracing his hair line with my finger.

"What about girls?" he echoed back, but not mad. Still kind of sleepy. He closed his eyes and smiled a little cause he liked how I was touching near his hair.

"I mean, don't ya like girls at all?" Cause I did. I thought they were cute and smelled good and I wanted to kiss them, too.

"Hmmmm. Never really thought about it, Pony. I guess not,"


	3. ch3

Maybe he was asleep. I still touched his hair and his forehead cause I liked to. I'd never really touched him much at all, even though I'd known him so long. The past couple of years I'd wanted to but it was like a secret, even to myself.

Yeah, I'd never touched him much at all. Just a hand on his shoulder now and then. That day we found him in the lot, all beat up, I was afraid to touch him. I thought he was dead. Soda had held him when we found him, and Darry carried him back to our house, or maybe Dally.

He was breathing deep and easy, he must be asleep. I'd realized I liked the way he looked, liked looking at him when I thought he didn't know. But he was the only boy I'd thought about like that.

I wondered what other boys he's kissed, and how I didn't notice something like that. I must not have been paying attention.

It was getting darker, looked like supper time. A chill wind blew over us. Johnny stirred, opened his eyes, sat up. He blinked at me like he was trying to remember where he was, how he got here. He smiled at me, a slow and sexy smile, and kissed me. I opened my mouth in surprise, my eyes closing, my hands snaking around his neck.

He broke it and I wanted him to come back, to kiss me again.

"Let's go in, Pony, it's cold,"

I followed him in, feeling like a little kid. I'd never felt so much younger than him.

It wasn't much warmer in the church. There was no heat or nothin'. No light either. Johnny shrugged out of Dally's jacket and handed it to me, grabbed his jean jacket from the table. When I put Dal's jacket on it felt warm.

I watched Johnny light up a cigarette, looking as cool as Dally ever had.

"Here you go," He handed me one and I took it. We smoked, both of us looking out the window. But I'd look at him, his features in shadows. I wanted to ask him about those other boys but didn't quite dare.

But I liked thinking about it, liked imagining him in some back room of a bar or a kid's pick up truck, breathing hard, pants undone. Where had I been while he was doing this? Doing homework, in school? Is this what he did when he skipped school?

He was sitting on the back rest of a pew, elbows on his knees, still smoking. I sat next to him, licked my lips. The question was out of my mouth before I knew it.

"When'd you start fooling around with boys?"

He glanced at me, smiled his crooked smile.

"You know what, Ponyboy? You sure ask a lot of questions,"

I thought that would be it, he wouldn't answer. I wondered who else knew about this, if my brothers knew or Two bit, Steve or Dally. They all knew stuff I didn't know all the time. Partly cause they were older and partly cause I never paid attention. I was always watching movies, reading books, drawing pictures.

But Johnny sighed and lit another cigarette. He could smoke like a fiend, like me.

"I guess I was 14, probably 14 or 15," My eyes widened. How'd I'd miss this for that long?

"Did you, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No, Ponyboy, don't worry about it," He dropped his cigarette in the pepsi can filled with an inch of soda that we'd set aside for that purpose.

He touched my hair, tucked some of it behind my ears, kissed my temple, my closed eyes. I liked how his lips felt on my face, soft.


	4. ch4

It was nighttime. Neither of us had brought a watch, but it felt like midnight. I kept hearing tiny scratches on the church walls. I knew it was probably raccoons, but I felt sure it was monsters.

I wanted to wake Johnny up cause I was scared. I missed Soda, even Darry. Johnny wasn't scared, not of being alone, being sort of outside. He'd gotten over that kind of fear a long time ago since he was always taking off from his house. And he didn't always come to our house. Lots of times he just slept outside, in a park or the lot. But me, I was like a baby. Couldn't sleep without my brothers, especially since mom and dad died.

Scritch scritch scratch. Witches, pinched faced little vicious creatures without names, ghosts. Scritch scritch. Goose bumps had raised on my arms, the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

"Johnny," I said his name loud enough for him to hear but quiet enough so the things outside wouldn't hear.

"Yeah?" He was really asleep, wouldn't open his eyes. But he knew I was scared, put his arm around me, and I listened to his breathing, slow and deep. That way I fell asleep myself.

It was better in the morning. Bright, warmer, the fear dissolved in the light like it had never existed at all.

From the times Johnny's slept at our house I knew he didn't get up all that early. I let him sleep. For a moment I felt a pang of guilt for all this. I'd woken him up that night and made him go to that park with me.

I lit up a cigarette and tried to think who Johnny could have been fooling around with and where. Boy, he was mysterious.

"Hi," Johnny stood rubbing his eyes, trying to shrink in that jean jacket, his shoulders hunched up cause he was cold. We should have asked Dal for a blanket.

He groped out a cigarette and lit it, his eyes half shut. He didn't wake up too easy either.

With the cigarette in his mouth he rubbed his arms fast. I sat on the back steps, watching clouds trail across the sky, watching Johnny smoke like I'd watched him so many times.

I wanted to ask about his sexual experience, wanted him to tell me in full detail, like a story I was reading. But Johnny wasn't much for detail, in fact, for all that we were friends, he hardly spoke. From time to time I'd drag things out of him but not usually. Usually I'd just let him be.

But the days here threatened to stretch on into some strange eternity and we only had the book and each other for entertainment. I was gonna do some dragging.

"Johnny?"

"Yeah?" He looked at me through the smoke of his cigarette, and he looked mighty different with his hair cut short. For as long as I've known him it had hung in his eyes, a black greasy mess.

"Tell me about those boys,"

"What boys?"

"The boys, the boys, the ones you fooled around with. Tell me about it,"

I looked at him and he looked away. He was debating telling me. What could it hurt? Hell, I knew now.

"Why do you want to hear 'bout that for?" He didn't look at me, didn't even turn toward me. He looked at the sky.

I went over to him, leaned my head on his shoulder.

"I want to hear about it cause it's exciting, it's cool. Please tell me," I'd beg him if I had to. That usually worked. As the youngest of three I could beg pretty well, and knew how to needle those who were older into giving me what I wanted.

He pitched the cigarette and looked at me, yawned, he still wasn't fully awake. Maybe that helped.

"Okay," he said, and I snuggled up to him to listen, liking the sound of his quiet kind of scratchy voice. I pictured it all in my head like a movie as he talked.

…………………………X……….X…………X……………..

"It was two years ago and I was runnin' away, y'know? I went to this bar where they had pool tables and stuff and sat at the bar. I was real thirsty cause I'd ran, my old man was after me but I'd outran 'im, that fucking asshole,"

"So anyway, the bartender says do I want anything and I say yeah. But I didn't have money and swore about it. 'Forget it,' I said, almost about to cry over a fucking soda, y'know? But this kid sat next to me and said, 'Don't worry. I got money. What do you want?' This kid was like 17 or 18 maybe, and his hair was blond. Not like Dal's, real white, but nice. Just lighter than Soda's."

"So I get a coke and thank him and all and notice his eyes are brown, which is kinda strange with blond hair. But nice. I liked how this kid looked, liked how his fingers looked around the glass of soda, liked how his lips looked, full and red, like a girl's, almost,"

" 'Hey kid, what's the matter?' he said, looking at me all funny. I wanted to go hide somewhere. Of course I looked like shit. My old man had been whipping me with his belt, and I'd been running for like two blocks to outrun the bastard. 'I'm running away,' I told him. Cause I was. I wanted to run and never come back,"

" 'Oh yeah?' he says, all cool, and drinks something that's not just soda. And when the bartender went into the back to get some shit he reached over the counter and grabbed a bottle of rum, dumped some of it in my coke. 'Drink that, you'll feel better,' he said. I hadn't drank much and it was strong but I didn't care. I wanted to feel better,"

"After a little bit I did feel better, less wound up like I felt all the time, and the kid smiled at me and bought another drink when that one was gone. He told me his name was Chris at some point. There was music at that bar, and it sounded good, like it was what I wanted to hear, y'know? And I really liked Chris' blond hair, how it looked with those brown eyes, and I thought I wanted to maybe kiss him,"

" 'I got a car,' he said, 'if you want a ride,' I told him yeah and jumped up, ready to get the hell out of Dodge. I kind of swayed cause of the drinks, I felt kind of dizzy. Chris laughed and held onto me. 'C'mon, Johnny, let's go,' "

"So we get in the car and it's really dark out. The car was kinda big and he put on the dashboard lights. I felt funny cause I'd never been drunk before but I was then. He put his hand on my thigh and I just stared at it, then he leans toward me and I kind of backed up against the door. I wasn't scared, just surprised. 'I like you,' he said, his words slurring, and he's drunker than I thought he was. 'Yeah?' I said, starting to find it hard to talk, hard to think. 'Yeah,' he said back, and came closer. And he kissed me, so hard and so suddenly that I tensed up, kinda pushed him away but he pushed back, kept kissing until I opened my mouth and relaxed against the car door and let him,"

" 'I like you,' he said again, his eyes half closed. He was bigger than me, like as tall as Dally, and he still kissed me but he was trying to undo my jeans and I felt scared and excited, and more scared cause I was excited and the other way around, you know? He got the jeans undone and yanked 'em down and it was cold, then he kissed me again but while he's doing it he grabbed my dick and went up and down with his hand so slow, like a lazy motion, and I liked it, and I liked how he was kissing me so hard, not letting me up,"

" 'I'm gonna fuck you,' he said, and kissed me again and slid my boxer shorts down and off and I backed up against the door as far as I could go. 'What?' I said, feeling like scared but turned on at the same time. 'I'm gonna fuck you,' and I pushed at him, shook my head no. 'No,' I whispered it and he got my legs up and held me with one hand while the other fumbled with a jar on the floor. 'Shhhh, yes,' he said, and kissed me so gently, his tongue so delicate against mine. I felt something cold down there, it felt weird. Like cold and soft and I sucked in my breath, I was pressed against that door as much as possible, and I wanted to leave but I wanted to stay, too,"

" 'Shhh, Johnny, relax,' he said, 'you'll like it,' and he pushed himself into me and I tried to push him away but he was bigger and stronger and he kept doing it, slowly, trying not to hurt me but it hurt anyway. So I kind of gave up, stopped pushing at him to stop cause he wasn't listening, tried to relax like he said to and it didn't hurt as much, and then it felt good, even though I wasn't sure if I wanted it to,"

"I was breathing all funny and Chris had closed his eyes, rocked his hips, and I pushed at him to stop and he looked at me like he knew what I wanted better than I knew, and he held my wrists so I'd stop pushing at him. And it, with him inside like that, it pushed on something, some spot that felt so good, like out of this world good, and then I came, and he did too cause I felt it, and his face looked like he was in pain, and he slid out, let go of my wrists, kissed me again. He noticed I'd come and said, 'See? I told you you'd like it,' "

……………..x……………………..x………………………..x

I stared at him. That kinda sounded like rape to me.

"Uh, Johnny, that's like rape,"

He shrugged, lit up another cigarette.

"So? He was right, I liked it,"


	5. ch5

I shook my head. I've never completely understood Johnny. Staying with his parents, granted he took off a lot, but he always went back. And this now, I didn't know. Sounded like rape to me.

"Did you see him after that?" I said, looking at him, trying to tell if he was going to lie.

"Naw," he said, and he could have been lying or telling the truth. I had no way to tell.

I lit a cigarette, too.

"And there was Thomas," he said, smiling a little.

"Thomas?" I said. I knew him. He was Soda's age and hung out with him, with us, sometimes.

"God, Johnny, you're a slut," I brushed his cheek with my lips.

"So tell me about that," I wanted to hear about this because I had been so oblivious, had missed it completely. Johnny got that distant, glazed look. Like he was remembering. I waited. The sun was out and it was warming up, the chill from last night slowly leaving us.

"It was at your house, actually," Johnny said, and I opened my mouth.

"My house? Was I there?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Probably,"

"So tell me. What did you do at my house?" I ran my fingers through his hair, messaged his scalp. God, I cut it short. It was almost spiky.

"We were all there, and Two bit and Dally were drinking, and Soda and Steve came over with Thomas,"

Story hour. I pictured Thomas in my mind as Johnny talked. A tall kid, blondish hair with a bit of red in it. I got the idea Johnny liked blondes. He was an okay kid, kind of goofy, kind of funny.

"So everyone ends up getting really drunk, but you were off doing homework and Darry wasn't there…"

That sounded about right. I'd done my homework through more than one of Soda and Steve's wild parties. That was what happened when you didn't have parents, and your oldest brother worked like crazy.

"I was just sittin' on the couch watching everybody, and he was in the hall drinkin' a beer. I thought maybe I'd go find you, I wasn't drinkin' anyway. So I walked by him but he said, 'Hey, Johnny, where ya going?' I shrugged, didn't say nothing. The living room was getting loud, what with Two bit laughing his head off at something, Dally was yelling. The T.V. was blasting and so was a radio. 'Come here, it's quieter,' he said, tugging me toward Darry's room,"

"Darry's room?" I smiled at him. Darry's room. Ha.

"So we're just sittin' on the bed, and he held out the beer to me and I took a swallow,"

If Johnny had fucked that kid on Darry's bed I might just die right here. God. Darry didn't even like us to sit on that damn bed.

"Did you fuck him?" I didn't mean to ask, but after the last story I pretty much expected anything. Johnny looked at me sideways.

"No,"

It was lonely here, in the back of this church at the top of the world. Me and Johnny were used to more noise, to cars, to more people. But the only one we'd be seeing, for awhile anyway, was Dally. And each other.

I stumbled into the church, grabbed a candy bar, tossed Johnny one. I sat back next to him. He chewed on the candy, looked over the valley we could see from here.

"So what did you do?" Man, getting Johnny to talk sometimes was like pulling teeth. He shrugged.

"C'mon, Johnny, tell me. I want to know," I looked at him with the pleading eyes.

He tossed the candy wrapper, leaned back, looked up and then at me.

"Well, we just leaned back on the bed and kissed, that's it,"

Uh huh. I guessed after all the detail of his encounter with Chris he was too worn out to tell anymore.

"Besides, that stuff don't matter," he said, standing up, stretching, then coming over to me.

I looked up at him. It was bright behind him and he was in shadow. He leaned down, put his hand on my shoulder, and kissed me. It was so soft, so nice.

"Does it?" he said, and my stomach twisted like I was on a roller coaster.

"No," I said all breathless and funny, wanting him so bad. He smiled, showing his teeth.


	6. ch6

It was sunny, and nice, and I could forget for awhile that we were in a world of trouble.

I closed my eyes and could still see the brightness through my closed lids.

Johnny'd gone inside and was sleeping. I liked it better out here in the sun. I remembered when we were regular kids and not fugitives.

I thought about some things from that night Johnny killed the soc. When Cherry was asking me about Darry and I got all mad and yelled at him. I remembered the way he'd winced like I hit him but he had looked sort of…something. It was hard to explain how I liked to look at him, even when he was upset. Sometimes especially when he was upset.

And then her boyfriend showed up and Johnny had looked at them with that look, his head down and looking sideways at them. That's when I got the idea they were the same socs that had beaten him up.

Maybe I'd fall asleep out here. I worried about my brothers worrying about me. I worried about how I was feeling about Johnny, worried about the cops, that dead kid in the park.

I felt like I couldn't breathe, everything was crazy. I had this light headed sense of unreality. Could a person die from feeling anxious? I thought maybe they could. I tried to suck in air but none would come.

"Ponyboy?" Johnny had come outside, his voice soft, questioning. I looked at him but didn't speak. I wondered if I looked like I was falling apart, if I looked like I felt.

"What's wrong?" Sharper concern, and he was looking at me intently, kind of squinting his eyes like he does when he's concentrating, or worried. And that answered my question. He could see something was wrong.

"Uh, nothing. Nothing," I wondered why I bothered to lie, he could tell I was lying. And this, this whole thing had changed our relationship. And I didn't know if it was good or not. All I seemed to know was that I wanted to be kissing him and touching him, and that the usual rules just didn't seem to apply.

He laid down beside me. His clothes were looking slept in, rumpled and wrinkled and uncomfortable. Maybe we could wash our clothes in that little pond with the soap he bought, like Gypsies. We could lay the clothes out in the sun to dry.

"Nothing, huh?" he said, giving me a sideways glance. I thought he might feel guilty like I did. After he'd killed that soc, right after, and I woke up freezing wet on that cement, he had looked so…stricken. So young, but kind of older, in a terrible kind of way. Before I even knew what had happened I knew, just by looking at his face, that things would never be the same.

"No, not nothing. It's…" I couldn't explain. I just didn't have the words. He looked at me and I knew he knew, he knew what I meant without my having to say anything. We'd always been like that, that hadn't changed. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling confused all of a sudden.

I felt his arms around me and I leaned into him, shuddered. He was warm and familiar, but this wasn't familiar, this intimacy. He touched my hair, kind of smoothed it with his hand, and he was so gentle. I almost felt like I was gonna cry but I didn't and he kissed me by my temple, then my cheek, then on the lips. Sweet and soft. So I opened my eyes and kissed him back.


	7. Chapter 7

There were trees off in the distance, beyond them a sort of valley and another hill, it looked bluish in the distance.

I had a weird feeling, a lift drop feeling I'd sometimes get around pretty girls at school.

Johnny was so pretty.

Kissing him, feeling the way he moved his tongue soft against mine, feeling the rough denim of his jacket as I ran my hands along his back, feeling the sun laying on my skin like something real, it was nice. Even though I was scared being here, scared we'd go to jail or worse.

We'd stop kissing for a second then go back to it, and his clumsy way of touching me was sweet and sexy in that way he had, being sexy without trying or meaning to be.

It was sunny and a slight breeze rustled through the trees, through our short hair, and I opened my eyes while I kissed him. He kept his eyes shut.

What would Dal do if he drove up now? Caught us like this? The thought made me smile cause I knew what he'd do.

After awhile Johnny went in to make a baloney sandwich. We were nearly out of the chocolate bars. I stayed outside and smoked, blew the smoke toward the tops of the trees.

It came to me with horror and wonder that Johnny killed someone. Deep inhale on the cigarette, nicotine buzz, watching the wind tear at the smoke. Johnny, of all people. Sweet, harmless Johnny, who barely even talked half the time.

But he wasn't harmless. If it had been reversed, if they'd been drowning him and I had the switchblade could I have killed that soc?

I could hear Johnny in the church, could hear his steps on the dirt floor.

If it had been reversed I don't think I could have done it.

He came out chewing on his sandwich, looking at me with his solemn eyes.

"Ain't you hungry?" he said between bites. I shook my head. I was scared and confused, a state of mind that didn't go well with hungry.

All the change that had been going on lately, my life kind of rocked to the core. What with my parents dying, Soda dropping out of school, now this mess. Why did I still feel surprised when things changed?

I smoked another cigarette, lighting it from the stem of the last one. Johnny leaned back against the church eating the sandwich. I noticed how black his hair looks in the sun, and shiny even without the grease.

"You're smoking too much," he said, tossing the crust away, "you're gonna get sick, smoking on an empty stomach like that,"

I was chain smoking my third. Couldn't stop. Cigarettes helped with my nerves, and I was all keyed up.

We were gonna get caught , Dally might not come back, we'd die up here.

Aw, fuck it. I pitched the cigarette in a high arc. I was feeling sick, that dirty nicotine headache making me want to puke.

Despite the sickness and the fear, Johnny looked real good to me. Now that I allowed myself to notice it I really noticed it. Watching him flip through the book, 'Gone with the Wind', he'd say the words he didn't know in a whisper, his forehead wrinkled in concentration.

He was so fucking cute I almost couldn't stand it.


End file.
